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Sometime in the following month of May, my husband showed me an Anime Music Video (AMV – an unofficial, fan made video of a Japanese animated series or movie set to music that the fan felt fit the anime, or theme). The anime was one I had never seen or heard of before (my husband gave me a single sentence synopsis). The video was set to music I had never heard before.
When the music began, with the image of a blond boy bandaged up with a bleak expression, I felt . . . anticipation. Something was coming. The lyrics spoke to me as I watched the images of the characters in the act of moving forward or struggling or being in a pensive state. Yeah, I was downcast, lost in my own tragedy, bubble wrapping myself against the pain, stagnant in my sorrows. Inert. I could relate. Then, the chorus came in. “So, let go, let go. Jump in. Oh, well, whatchya waitin’ for? It’s all right. ‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown. So, let go, let go. Just get in. Oh, it’s so amazing here. It’s all right, ’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown.” I was hit with a flash of a gale-storm but instead of being ripped to shreds and scattered in pieces I was buoyed up. A life giving flame coursed through my body, starting at the navel, simultaneously moving to the top of my head and down to my toes, back to my navel, the two forces colliding, moving upward, and enveloping my body. My heart pounded in syncopation to the music. It was as though the voice of God was speaking to me, sending me a message. The world changed, it was just me, and the message – the music and the images on the screen. Oh, something good was going to come out of all this sorrow. I needed to let go, and plunge myself into life despite all the uncertainty and fear. What was I waiting for? For things to magically get better? Fool girl, were you letting fear rule your life, again? There was still something amazing to be had in my life, even now. But I would never find it if I stood still. I needed to move; not in any direction, but forward, giving it my all.
“It gains the more it gives. And it rises with the fall.” Oh, right, where did my unselfishness go? I needed to find it again, and engage in selfless acts of service. And not just any selfless acts of service, but to the man I proclaimed to love, but had forgotten to show it. Right. Duh. Love is a verb. “So hand me that remote, can’t you see that all that stuff’s a sideshow.” Huh. Distractions. Too many distractions. I was overly involved in science fiction clubs and forums and other such things that took up most of my free time. It was all exacerbating the difficulties in my life, my marriage. Yes sir, Lord sir. Get rid of the distractions, get rid of the things that prevented me from attending to the things that matter most. “Such boundless pleasure, there’s no time for later, now, you can’t await, you’re own arrival, you’ve twenty seconds to comply.” The good things in life were again punctuated, but with admonishments to not stupidly procrastinate. Patience, procrastination and idleness are three very different things. I was stuck in the last two. I needed to gain the first, and to do so I needed to act, and soon. As in, now. Yet, I needed to be patient with the people around me. Calmness and serenity while moving forward.
These thoughts barreled into my mind at great speed, all at once, with the passing of each lyric and the oh so important images that accompanied the song. The blond boy, bloodied up, seemingly beaten, yet smiling in conviction. A gentle kiss, eyes reflecting determination, dire life situations, bloody battles with internal and external adversaries. The contrasting images of happy and content moments with those of great adversity and afflictions coupled with moments of simple human pain and rage; these all accentuated the lyrics. The music supported the message with its rhythms and percussion, driving the message deep into my heart, my spirit, my very soul, becoming an integral part of my entire being. The chorus kicked in again, and oh, I could let go, and jump in and remember that there was beauty in the breakdown. There’s beauty somewhere in this mess. I only had to change my vantage point to find it. And oh, it’s all right. Everything would be all right. Somehow. Images of seemingly impossible foes flew by, but there was a smile, and the foe was beaten back in dismay. The lyrics changed to simply repeating, “hey now” driven by the bass line in the music. It was as though I was being given a moment to digest what I had learned, and was flooded with contrasting images again, and a few darker ones, as though stating, that there was an unseen adversary in my midst and that I had to be aware of it. I needed to remember it, always. I could not let my guard down. I needed to constantly watch my thoughts, my words, my deeds.
The chorus sang again. The same blond boy only younger appeared, standing alone, gazing at the backs of those who ostracized him. An overlaid image of him angry and defiant, and yet, still determined, another of him sitting alone on a swing, of the swing being empty, of him standing and crying, alone. Oh, yes. I intimately knew those feelings, along with anguish and despair and fear and hopelessness. But the lyrics were telling me it was amazing here on earth, in this world, right now, and that there was still beauty, still something worthwhile in life beyond the practical, beyond just one more day. And then there was the boy again, working hard, overcoming such great obstacles. He, and others depicted, endured pain, physical and emotional. But they never gave up. They never relented. And I knew I could do that too. I knew then that there was beauty in all adversity. That blessings would come out of all dark times if I would let go and jump in, without reserve. Without fear. And that if I endured well, armed with trust and faith in the Lord, the fiery darts of hell, the great darkness, would not harm me or mine.
The music mellowed out, tapering off, yet giving a feeling as though life was still going on. The last image was of the blond boy happily running towards people who seemed to care for him. He was no longer alone, and he was all right. I was breathless in my astonishment at this revelation given through song and animation, inundated by the greatness of the message. My soul rejoiced. Grateful tears stung my eyes. I was in awe that I was given the blessing of this message. It was another testament of hope; and there was hope. I knew it. But I had to do my part to make that hope a reality, and I could. I would. . .
. . . I did. I took the lessons of the moment and vigilantly applied them. If I hadn’t permanently internalized the message of the moment, along with a few other epiphanies, the most significant successes in my life would not have come to pass. Life would be harder, fraught with more tears and heartache and stress. . .
. . . The moment was mine. Mine and mine alone. So when the world returned to what it was with me standing in my room, my husband sitting in front of me facing the computer screen, all I could say, albeit a bit breathlessly, was, “Wow, that was amazing. I have to see that anime now.” The message was for me so that I might salvage the most important thing in my life from the wreckage. My family.
Note: My husband and I got back together two years ago, much to our daughter’s delight. The anime was called “Naruto” and the song was called “Let Go” by Frou Frou.
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