How Do Babies Come Out?

A few days ago Hazel, who turned six years old last month, started asking me some interesting questions at the dinner table. Not, where do babies come from, but how do they come out. Our conversation went something like this.

Hazel: Mom, if babies aren’t cut out how do they come out? Does it [making belly popping gestures] pop? [she had a that-doesn't-quite-make-sense look]
Mom: No, the baby doesn’t pop out.
Hazel: So, then how does the baby get out?
Mom: [sighing since there doesn't seem to be any way out of the conversation, then looks straight at Hazel] Through your v-.
Hazel: [big eyes, hands covering her v-] Owwwww.
Mom: But it’s not a big deal because your body prepares for it.
Hazel: [pauses and takes a few bites of egg - yes I made eggs for dinner] So, how does the baby come out through the v-?
Mom: [surprised that the conversation isn't over] Contractions, your muscles in your abdomen start moving like this [makes exaggerated contraction motions with hands].
Hazel: How does that make the baby come out?
Mom: The muscle contractions [makes exaggerated contraction motions with hands] help push the baby out.
Hazel: How does it get through the v-?
Mom: Well, the contractions let the body know that it’s time and it makes the v- bigger. It’s small like this [curls forefinger and thumb together] and then when the contractions happen it slowly gets bigger like this [slowly makes about a ten centimeter circle with hands] so it’s big enough to let the baby through.
Hazel: [nods] Oh. [a few minutes later she asks] You know when I came out?
Mom: [what this conversation isn't over yet!?] Yeah?
Hazel: How did you know I was done?
Mom: The contractions. You don’t get them until it’s time [really my water broke first but I was opting for the KISS method].
Hazel: What if it hurts too much?
Mom: Oh, the hospital has medicine for that.
Hazel: Did you have medicine?
Mom: Yep.
Hazel: You couldn’t handle it?
Mom: Only because I wouldn’t listen to Daddy.
Hazel: So, you could handle it if you listened to your husband, if you didn’t listen to your husband you couldn’t handle it?
Mom: That’s right.
Hazel: How long did it take you to get me out?
Mom: From the time my water broke at 10:20 to 3:35 [counts on my fingers and thinks, oops, I hope she doesn't ask me what "water broke" means] was five hours and fifteen minutes.
Hazel: And the contractions made me come out?
Mom: Yes, but at the last part the doctor said I had to help push you out and I only had three pushes.
Hazel: How did you help?
Mom: It’s kinda like when you go poopy, but not.
Hazel: Like this? [makes pushing motions and noises]
Mom: Sort of.
Hazel: [after a bit of thinking, and here Mom notices that whenever Hazel is looking to her upper left she's mulling things over and getting ready to ask another question] How do you get the baby?
Mom: What do you mean?
Hazel: How do you get the baby so that it doesn’t go bonk, pth bleh [makes baby hitting its head on something gestures and noises], and not get hurt?
Mom: Oh! That’s what the doctor’s there for.
Hazel: The doctor catches the baby and helps the baby come out nice and safe?
Mom: Yes.
[A few minutes later while Mom is clearing the table and putting away extra food, Mom realizes the conversation isn't over.]
Hazel: Mom, [turns around in chair towards kitchen] if the baby is in your tummy what happens to your food?
Mom: Well, we say it’s in our tummy but it’s not really. The baby isn’t in your stomach where your food goes.
Hazel: Oh, it’s not?
Mom: No.
Hazel: Where is it then?
Mom: In your uterus.
Hazel: Uterus? [makes a weird face] But where does your food go? [gestures wildly at the trunk of her body]
Mom: Hazel, is your brain the same as your heart? [points to each organ as she says them]
Hazel: [shakes head]
Mom: Is your heart the same as your stomach?
Hazel: [shakes head]
Mom: Then does it make sense for your stomach and uterus to be the same?
Hazel: [smiles] No.
[This led to a discussion of the digestive system, complete with Mom drawing a simple diagram, with Hazel trying to figure out how the body absorbs what it needs. It also led Mom to draw a simple diagram of the uterus and making it slowly get bigger and bigger. After this Hazel was satisfied. Yay! But then she asked]
Hazel: How come only girls can have a baby?
Mom: Because boys don’t have a uterus, only girls do.
Hazel: Why?
Mom: Because boys are different from girls.
Hazel: How?
Mom: [exasperated going back to the basics, thank you Kindergarten Cop] Look boys have a p- girls have a v-.
Hazel: P-? [gives me the what-are-you-talking-about look]
Mom: [sigh] Okay, you know what what Daddy looks like naked? [that's a funny story right there]
Hazel: Yeah.
Mom: That’s not a fat v- [as Hazel previously asserted many moons ago] that’s a p-.
Hazel: Oh. So, why do boys have a p- and girls have a v-.
Mom: Because God made us that way. It’s just the way it is.
Hazel: Okay.
[Done! Huzzah! YAY!]

I didn’t start asking such in depth questions until I was nine, I was happy knowing that having babies is something that big people can do. . . Dang. No wonder her school teacher said that Hazel was academically ready for third grade. Geez. . .

Edit: Note, all instances of “v-” refers to the female nether regions that start with that letter, and all instances with “p-” refers to the male nether regions that start with that letter. I changed it because I have been having some spam issues and I am hoping that they will cease since they started soon after this post was created.

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